When God so patiently shows you what you have

No lie, I’ve been having a rough day. I’m sore from working out yesterday. Emotionally I seem to cry about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I hate my best friend lives too far away to hug. I hate that I’m still so fucking tethered to the fear TBU’s statement is true, that once people know the real me, they won’t like me either. I hate missing E so fucking much. I’m mad I might not be able to have a strong workout with Catie tonight. Did I mention the crying? I’m postmenopausal, so it’s not that time.

Basically, I’ve been sitting here in my sadness on and off all day.

That’s where God comes in. He provides.

Long distance hug from my bestie.

Call out from MJ during the swag reveal.

Catie is on campus and dropped in to say hi and see how I am.

Kim sends me a text asking if I heard the swag reveal and to tell me she’s canceling the order for my tv tray at the hotel. I will not be sitting alone in the hall taking notes of a very muffled Corinne from inside.

Message with E for about 20 minutes. Catch up on our lives, catch up on gym gossip, and both feel better for being in contact.

Back to that fear of everyone knowing the real me. I know how stupid that is. Bestie knows the real me. Catie knows. Kim knows. E knows. Everyone pretty much reading this knows. The only one who doesn’t know is TBU and I think because she doesn’t have anything good in her she can’t see it exists in me.

What’s odd is that of all the horrible things she’s ever said to me, that one sticks. I can tell you right where I was when she said it the first time.

“It’s a wonder you have any friends and anyone likes you. If they knew the real you like I know, they wouldn’t like you either.”

The other stuff I have been able to shake off. I love myself finally. I know I’m a great person. I know that I’m loved by those that matter despite my flaws. I know that for pretty much anyone else in the world I am enough. Even more important, I know I am enough in my own eyes. It’s not about wanting her to like me. Through a lot of hard work even that is settled in my brain. It’s not about wanting everyone to like me either. I don’t need everyone to like me. I don’t like everyone! It’s completely understandable to not be someone’s flavor.

But …

Oh fuck, here we go.

The answer just slid into my brain. After all these years.

A mother is supposed to love her child unconditionally. Mine doesn’t even like me. So if I can’t trust in a mother’s love, how do I trust in anyone else’s?

Good question! How can I trust?

Just look at the facts. TBU is a very flawed, cruel person. That’s been established, not just by my justifications. She is horrifically self-centered, so anything that doesn’t align with her world is bad or wrong. She doesn’t have the capabilities to function from a place of love, caring, giving, empathy or sympathy.

How do I trust in anyone else’s love?

I open my eyes and see it.

My bestie thought I was replacing her and she was hurt. A powerful hurt. If she didn’t love me so much, she wouldn’t care.

MJ called me out on the swag call. Because I am someone she’s been affected by in a positive way.

Catie came in to see me because she genuinely likes me and wanted to see how I am.

Kim texted to remind me to let go of these fears.

E told me that everyone is going to love me, especially my sense of humor. He said I’m vivid!

There is no societal rule that any one of the above needs to give a rat’s ass about me. They do not have to like me. They do not have to listen to me. They do not have to care. They do not have to do a damn thing. Yet here they are, all giving so purely on a single day. Just one day of my life and I got all that. One single day. Heck, just over a few hours.

I just texted my bestie that I have been doing everyone an injustice putting them through the same constraints that I put TBU’s feelings towards me. It’s not fair. No one else in my life is anything like her. Hell, she wouldn’t be in my life if I hadn’t made promises to Dad.

Based on the evidence, it’s apparent which side I need to hold close to my heart and have faith in. I could choose the proof of the actions and words of those who have decided to care, or I could continue to live judging myself by the actions of a bitter woman who has had jealousy in her heart her whole life.

To quote E: “Easy peasy!”