When He tells you you’re wrong

I’m not a super religious person, but I am spiritual and believe in God. I will never pretend to be well versed in Bible teachings and all that, but again, I believe in a higher power.

I have been in my head since Friday. I’ve doubted my abilities at the gym. I’ve doubted my ability of being a NoBS woman. I’ve battled feeling like the worlds suckiest daughter. I’ve been dealing with friends making me feel like my life is in a boring/bad/possibly pathetic place (my interpretation, not their actual words)

Last night I said “I give” and I binged. Whole sleeve of saltines with butter, followed by 2 ice cream sandwiches. I even had half a thought to text E and tell him I wasn’t showing today. What’s the point? I can’t do this. I can’t be what others want me to be. I can’t meet expectations. I can’t lose weight. I can’t be physically stronger. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Jumped on Corinne’s zoom call today and out of the blue when she asked Coach Kathy to join her live she said my name and asked if I’d step in for Kathy and pick tidbits out to share. She then remembered I was at work, but I quickly said that was fine. Ok, so I said “fuck work.” Like I was going to let WORK keep me from playing the role of Kathy today?

Talk about being scared shitless! I wanted to do my best for Corinne, for Kathy, and for my NoBS sisters. I was terrified, but I jumped in.

Picking those pieces out and reposting them were just what I needed. Having that trust put in me was also an extra reset to my thinking. After I was done and we’d logged off, I cried. Not from pressure or stress, but because once again God took the lead in a very prominent manner.

Honestly, I feel like God took me by the hand and yanked me out of a hole to say “look, here’s the proof of how off your thinking is. Here is everything I can easily and readily show you right now that proves all that negativity in your head is false. Here, let me show you what you know, what you can learn, what you can do, and see the value in being you is.”

Now I know it wasn’t going to be the end of the world if I didn’t do a good job, but I’m no fool. I know that I was just invited in to play a bit in a whole different world. This is the Queen’s baby and she isn’t gonna let anyone walk in and fuck it up on her watch. Knowing that? Hooo boy, what an attitude adjustment. Corinne isn’t going to give responsibility to someone she doesn’t trust and who she doesn’t feel is a NoBS woman. I’m saying that from a place of awe and honor that she asked me to contribute. Am I standing a little taller now? Yep. My head still fits through the door, but I feel like I’ve had a head to toe body shaking and a swift reminder to get my head out of my ass and set myself back on course.

God led me to the doctor who suggested I listen to Corinne.

God led me to E, who is changing me physically and mentally.

God is giving me such very strong messages when the subtle ones fly by.

Thank you God. Thank you so much!

So as a reminder to myself. Next time you feel like shit, like you aren’t getting this, like you aren’t capable, remember the day you got to type in all caps.