An open letter

Dear mother,

Tonight I really saw you for you. I saw how you reacted to my confidence. I heard how you tried to cut through that.

You acted out to everyone. You were nasty. You bitched about the plans to celebrate you and it didn’t go unnoticed.

When you bitched we weren’t moving fast enough even though you were blocking the only way out of the room, I asked flat out if we were supposed to run you over.

“Stop being smart. I’m not too old to beat you.”

How charming on your 92 birthday to threaten to beat me once again.

I laughed at you. I think I even said I’d like to see you try.

When it was time to leave, I refused to hug you. I pointed out that I was not going to get close to you since you threatened to beat me. I was not joking.

That was always your answer. All my life. When you thought I was more than I had a right to be, you knocked me down both physically and mentally.

It’s been a good 40 years since you’ve actually swung at me, but I know in my heart you would have tonight had I been in reach. Old age has only grown your bitterness and emphasized your feelings of me stealing your sparkle.

But here’s the thing, you don’t sparkle. You don’t shine. You aren’t even carrying a tarnish that could have its condition restored.

It’s ok. You see, I don’t even have a wishful thought of what if I’d had the mother I deserved and needed.

See, I finally found that voice and oh it’s beautiful! That nurturing, loving voice that says you are the world baby girl!

I used to think I needed your love and pride. Thanks to wonderful people lifting me up, I’ve found the love and pride I need. Best part? Besides being authentic and true, it’s never going away, because it’s in me!

To you, I will always be that little girl you tried to make invisible. It’s ok though, because you’re the only loser!

I love myself mother. Right now, right at this size! Fiercely, madly and endlessly in love with the woman I am this moment!

And I’m not even done. There is so much more shine I have to bring to the world!

Sincerely,

The woman you can only dream of being