I decided to just lean into my meltdown. I’m not good at that actually. The crying, the pure release? No, I smother emotions. The stronger they are, the harder I smother.
I went and got Duncan. My bestie gave him to me. He’s a warmie, so he can go in the microwave and get a little warmth in his tummy.
Coach Julie has been working with me on giving myself comfort. So I got Duncan warm, got on the coach with a blanket, tucked his head under my chin, and started patting his tush like a baby.
That is what unlocked the water works. I just started saying everything on my mind, while rocking back and forth, trying to calm myself at the same time.
What came out?
I’m scared.
I’m a little lost.
I’m feeling insecure where I’m at right now.
I’m so excited and hopeful about my future that I panicked and sabotaged.
I’m in limbo. I’ve felt out of sorts for over a week now. I knew it had something to do with evolving, but what it was wasn’t coming out.
It’s out. I think.
The person I used to be is gone. Truly, old Karen is dead. Not all parts of her, but the things that needed to go have gone. Not perfect, but a level of growth that I am sometimes taken off guard by.
Unfortunately I don’t feel like I’ve embraced and found comfort in who I’m becoming. Maybe because the unknown is scaring me?
I’ve had more than one person say “just imagine where you’re going to be in …”
3 month
6 months.
At first that excited me.
Suddenly it scared me.
Not because I might let people down.
I might let myself down.
I’m the one person I don’t want to disappoint.
I can’t go back. She’s gone.
Who I’m going to be makes me feel like I need to jump over a crevice. If I make the jump it’s going to be exhilarating!
Right now I’m letting myself be paralyzed.
Courage will come.
Towards the Oak Tree 
I find that whenever I make shifts in my life, anxiety rears it’s head and I often feel unmoored and ill at ease. I love Duncan (I have to find one of those warmies for me.) Our journey is not a straight line – I look at it look switchbacks going up a tall mountain.
Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs and support.
Mimi ( one of your No BS sisters)
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Thank you Mimi. Shady Karen digs her nails in and hates all the change!
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Rollercoaster
The thing about baby steps is we don’t have a chance to get scared. Out brains don’t register them as a threat. 1% level ups are baby steps.
Traversing a mountain range, however, is huge. It takes strength and skill and support. When we find we don’t have all the skills yet, our brains sense a threat. They send out every protective mechanism they can. Danger! Stop! Go back! But we know we can’t go back. So we pause. We resort to tools we know, even if they don’t help now and then we feel worse.
It’s a rollercoaster ride. But we already got on can’t get off in the middle. When the roller coaster stops, we can catch our breath and decide how big or small our next steps will be.
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Thank you! This makes complete sense. This morning I realize it’s Shady Karen clinging to the past once again. She sees what is happening.
The changes I’ve implemented are little in a way, but giant game changers in another. Strength training with a trainer and using the slow eats bit timer. Coach Julie is helping me find new ways to approach eating. So little things, but Shady, oh how she fights!
Thank you for helping me make it through this next part of my adventure!❤️
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