I’m getting it

Today was a meet up in Beloit, Wisconsin with state line NoBS women. To save the counting, there are 16 of us.

I took several moments to look around and see everyone talking and having a wonderful time. It’s really special to watch.

At one point one of the ladies took me aside and said she was going to go deep on me.

She had me look at everyone. Pointed out how everyone was happy and engaged. Then told me this was my doing. She knows of my struggles with seeing myself how others do, and she wanted to make sure this hit home. I bring people together. I make people happy.

I was made very aware today that it’s really time to put away mom’s words. I don’t have a big head. I’m never going to be conceited. But I can be proud of myself and I can be proud of what I can do.

I talked about my latest aha with realizing how much subconscious thinking I have that is shaped by how I was raised. Talking with my accountability partners the other day opened this flood gate of memories of different ways my mom would defuse any praise I got.

A big one was that she would always turn any compliment into “proof” that the person only said nice things about me to get something from me.

Grade school and telling her compliments Mrs. Foster gave me? She’s only saying that so you’ll keep helping her.

Full grown adult telling her how I’ve been included in a hiring committee because they value my opinion? They probably felt they needed to cover their bases and have a disabled person on it.

A lifetime of this and it didn’t become a pivotal moment until Thursday. I mean, I knew her thinking was bad, but I hadn’t understood how much that message had shaped me. It wasn’t until it slipped out in therapy that I realized I’d been trained to think anything good said or done for me came with a motive. People are nice to me and say nice things so I’ll do things for them …

Only that’s a really fucked up way to look at the world. Even more fucked up that you taught your daughter that. Beyond fucked up is that you taught her that because you couldn’t stand her getting the attention you thought you were owed.

Obviously I have more healing to do with this, but this is a giant leap in the right direction. Through my time in NoBS I finally have learned to love myself. Now I’m learning that others love me too. Just because I’m me. No strings attached.

So now instead of wondering why people like me, I’m going to do better at embracing they do and for valid reasons.

Mom would call that conceit. I realize how off she is. Conceit is about competing. It’s about thinking you’re better or needing to be better than others. Thats not part of who I am. Am I special? Yes. So is everyone else. Isn’t that a good thing?