An aha moment at therapy

This afternoon I had therapy. We started off on what I’ve been working on. Owning who I am , accepting I am the person people see, and just being proud of that.

I told her about last weekend and how I seem to try to even out the scale if someone is really kind to me.

The woman who does the lifts for my shoes went above and beyond with the bling shoe I bought for NoBS camp in September. She rhinestones the whole lift. It is gorgeous!

She posted about me on her business page and it was this story about what kind of person I am and how much she thinks of me. I was touched beyond words.

Then I picked up my shoe. As I said, it’s gorgeous! Just amazing to see what she did. She took pictures of me with the shoe, then with my shoes on, and posted all that to her page. The pictures included a full body shot, which I actually thought I looked pretty good in.

It wasn’t until later, until it had “marinated” as my therapist called it, that my anxiety and negativity came out.

Immediately I went to sabotage, working hard to prove I’m not the person she did this for. It was a variation of “if they only knew me” called “let’s not be THAT Karen!”

I was able to squash that after a sleeve of ritz crackers, but I was still so frustrated that I went there.

I’m not sure how we got there, but I was talking about how I don’t do well with liars. My therapist asked if I had specific reasons and I couldn’t pin point anything.

It did bring back memories of all the times mom called me a liar. All the times she did and still does negate my truths. From there I went to realizing that the only time mom ever praised me is when there was an audience and it was bragging about what I do for her. “Oh my wonderful daughter, she brings me to all my doctor appointments!”

It’s not about me and what I do. It’s “look what I have, see how important I am!”

I then realized that if someone complimented me in front of her, she also took credit for being the reason I earned the praise. When I graduated from junior college my instructor praised me to my parents. Mom’s reply was “I did a good job with her.” Even that was said in just a passive way, like I was a dog she’d trained.

As all this came out I had the realization that subconsciously I haven’t been able to take positive feedback for its face value.

As it came over me, I looked at my therapist with absolute shock. My hidden connection with praise is “what’s your motive” and the assumption that it’s somehow not about me. Not mine to own in a pure way.

As that rolled out, my therapist asked me to apply that thought to my shoe. When she said my thoughts out loud, that she did my shoe for her own purposes, I immediately realized how wrong, even horrible, that thought was! I was appalled to make that connection.

My therapist pointed out that I am used to disingenuous praise, I learned to negate it with mom, and it’s carried over.

Upon breaking it down, it was easy to see that the majority of the people who say or think nice things about me are sincere. There’s no reason to doubt them, but because of my experience that wall went up.

My homework was to journal on this, both to get it out and put it in place so I can see it over and over. My work now is to remember that most kindness comes from the heart and isn’t given to reflect status on the giver.

So to all of you who have shared such kind words with me, I say thank you with all the sincerity you’ve given me returned.

I’m Karen. I am a good person. A great friend. I’m blessed to be able to help others believe in themselves. I am fortunate I can write in a way that others can have their own take away from my words. It is a privilege to make others feel they can do hard things too.

Being Karen? No one else I’d rather be ❤️