I had to take the mother to a doctor appointment today. The waiting room was full and it took a full hour before she was called into a room. During this time we talked about different things and I mentioned a discussion I had with my cousin about my retirement.
For the love of god, can someone please explain to me why I open my mouth and even say things to her? I’ve been kicking myself in the ass since then. I need to stop the beat down, but seriously Karen, why??? It’s not that I hope she will say something positive. I’m not looking for her approval by any means. It’s more like I’m playing a game called “what can’t she shit on?” and I’m a perpetual loser!
All I said was after talking to my cousin and taking some numbers (raises) into account, I’ve figured out that I might be able to retire a lot earlier than I thought. Like summer 2025 soon. At most I figured I’d get a subject change, but no, I got a lecture on how I need to tighten my purse strings and be more frugal.
I said no worries, I’d be fine. She started to lecture me on living on a fixed income. I laughed and said I’d be fine as I’d make more retired than working. What I wanted to say was “how in the hell do you think you have any idea in the world what I do with my money? Then after that tell me why you think you have a say in how I spend my money?” Mostly I wanted to say “well, if you die I’ll have even less worries.”
Mostly I’m sitting here thinking “stupid stupid stupid” about myself for even saying anything.
I know I don’t deserve to beat myself down. I know I don’t deserve her responses either. Again, wasn’t expecting a “that’s wonderful, you deserve it!” At best I thought “that’s good” and a subject change.
It also doesn’t help that I couldn’t gracefully get out of the armchair in the room and she pointed it out by calling out loudly “are you stuck?!?” I can’t lie, that was embarrassing, and I felt disappointed in my progress. I didn’t get fast food after dropping her off. I did eat too much peanut butter on my rice cakes, but that’s where the damage to me ends.
Ok, I feel better just writing this all out. I’m done calling myself stupid. What am I supposed to do in her presence? Refrain from all small talk? Oh yeah, I am. Unless I want her judgement.
*sigh*
Towards the Oak Tree 
I truly believe that over time you will start to catch yourself before start to share information with your mother or others who criticize whatever you say. Doing so takes practice and vigilance. As “woo woo” as this might sound, you may want to consider visualizing you are surrounded by a white light. This light serves as a protective layer against whatever tries to invade your personal space. I had to do this with my family while I was learning how to create boundaries. This process took time, and I can guarantee that others will change with you or they will not. You know you are in control of you, and with practice you will become stronger and more secure.
Hugs,
Suzanne
LikeLike
Hi Karen,
I didn’t live close to my mom so whenever I felt benevolent, I’d call her. Without exception, I would hang up the call and feel really bad about myself. I can’t think of a when that that wasn’t the case. She even had a way of saying my name that made me wonder if changing my name legally wasn’t worth the $100.00
LikeLike
Karen,
I have read some of your posts and now your blog. I hope this is cathartic for you. This is not an excuse for your mom, but it must be miserable being her. It takes a lot of energy being that unhappy, mean and angry. I see none of that in you. You can’t share anything that is good going on with you with someone who seems to hold the entire world in contempt. You however, have a lot to offer and it’s not too late to move past this bitter woman. You promised to take care of her, but you didn’t promise to give up who you are and suffer the crumbs of care she gives you. It’s easy to say, but protect your heart, protect who you are and find a way to shut her comments down if possible. You don’t have to be mean or disrespectful but saying “not your call”, or “I’ll take that under advisement” tells her that her opinion is not wanted. Especially since she doesn’t provide you any support or gratefulness that you are taking care of her. She could be in a nursing home. I used to joke with my mom that she needed to be nice to me because I would be choosing her nursing home. Fortunately, my mom was wonderful and that’s why your situation makes me sad. But you are worth so much more than that. You do provide NoBS Women support, caring and hope. And food does become a protective barrier when you’re trying to keep yourself from being hurt. Keep your head held high, (retirement is great BTW-but there is a phenomenon where once you’ve told people you’re retiring they just start acting like you’re already gone. It’s kind of normal) and your story isn’t finished yet. I’m rooting for you!
Carol
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we all on some deep level want a tiny morsel of approval from our ‘mother’…like we hope for just one little mom moment. Don’t beat yourself up and remember, you know she is truly just not one of the people in your corner. Sadly it’s her loss! You are amazing and never believe in her load of condescending tripe! ((Hugs))
LikeLike
Just a thought, My Dear Girl, and one i use myself with difficult people. Anytime someone says something I have no answer for or no care to hear it or anything more; I just give a Hmmmm… Nothing else, just Hmmmmm, and completely drop the mic there.
LikeLike