Feeling impatient today

Today I’m having a day when I just want stuff to hurry up. Retirement. September. Weight loss. Muscle pain. From the big to the small, just get it done with!

I finally got myself back in the gym on Saturday and lifted. It had been since December 15, so a good 6 weeks. Had I been lifting regularly, I would have switched up my plan at the end of December, but I haven’t. Still I decided to switch it up and do pyramid sets. Basically I’m doing 3 sets, each set the weight goes up and the reps go down. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but here it is Monday morning and the key word of the day is still OW.

So obviously I’m ready to be done with the muscle pain. So I can go do it all over again. I’m working on accepting what Corinne talked about in yesterday’s coaching call. She discussed how much exercise is enough. She said studies have shown that 30-50 minutes a session is enough and 3-4 times a week is good. Strength training is the best choice as well. My brain screamed “bullshit!” to this. I realized how much diet mentality I have still hidden. This cannot be enough. I even wrote into Ask Coaches to get help wrapping my head around it. It seems like such a reasonable, easy amount, so how can it make a difference?

But then I get up out of my office chair to go to the bathroom today and my limbs scream at me. My workout was a half hour and I’m still paying for Saturday. I really hope I’m not just bad at recovering! At any rate, I’m impatient there.

Retirement. I want to be retired. NOW. No need to elaborate on that, though I do need to make an update on Bridge Troll activity.

September and camp! Don’t need to say much about that either, except I am looking forward to who I will be by then and seeing all my friends in person!

I know it’s a process and I know slow is better, but oh how I wish I could just jump ahead to 50-60 pounds lost and feel better. Of course if I had that power, I’d jump to my goal. And stay there. But it’s a process and there is learning to do. Good things come to those who wait. Yes, I agree, it’s just that the wait for us on the impatient side is a slow torture.

Last Tuesday I got to read the transcript of my coaching with Corinne and I listened to a little of it. I hate watching myself, so there’s that, but I do love hearing the inflections in what has been said. I also needed to get my homework from her straightened out in my head. You hear her, but there is so much going on in a call that you lose things. So I went back, wrote out what she said, and I’m journaling every day. There is still part of me wondering why it’s so damn hard to not just accept who I am but embrace it with pride.

Right about me. Good about me. Grateful for. Grateful is the easiest one. I can always find that. It’s interesting to listen to her talk to me and about me. A little kernel inside still thinks “she’s confusing me with someone else!” Until she lists the things that are mine to own. That’s hard to argue with. I don’t want to argue it any more! I want to be so very damn proud that I have reached a status where people I admire know and appreciate who I am. Who in NoBS doesn’t admire Corinne? She has achieved so much, from weight loss to building her own business empire. All she has on her plate and I fit in there some how? Bah, I can see how much more work I have to do, because I’m still shaking my head about this. She’s spelled it out for me and still I hesitate. As if saying “I have made a name for myself through positive actions” once again makes my head swell to the size of a hot air balloon! I saved something else she said about me.

This one means so much to me and I take a lot of pride in it. I’m trying to come to a hard stop there. This, this is me. I do realize that there is a reason behind this. I wasn’t just cherry picked out of thin air. Like the mighty powers that be said “this one, she shall be liked!” It’s funny how at odds I am with the fact I’ve put myself out there, causing me to be seen, yet I’m struggling to accept I’m noticed. Oh the skull is thick on this one! I have to go back to Corinne asking me what it would look like to be too big for my britches and conceited. All I have to do is think of her asking if I would hurt anyone and my fast, strong “NO” in reply.

Even this I think “oh for fuck’s sake, can we just get over this?” I do recall though, she told me I’m in a new club, one where you think you’ve found the key only to have another big ass problem crop up.

I’m sitting here laughing because I’m asking God for patience, but like NOW! Silly girl, that’s not how this works.

As with everything I write, it’s for me first. I am the one who needs to come back in 3 months and read this again. I have all the evidence of who I am. I know where I’m going. I know what work I’ve done. I know my struggles. I know it’s a process. I also know it can’t be rushed and if I am being honest with myself, I know damn well that I won’t get to take the next step until it’s time. Time sets it’s own schedule. Perhaps I need to just let the sense of anticipation be enough right now.