For most of my time in No BS, I have followed a similar theme. I actually follow my plan, I start getting results, I freak out and I sabotage. It’s never bad enough to go back to where I started, but it’s enough to keep me from really progressing. I am at the getting results part of the cycle right now and I’m going to break the habit of going into sabotage. There, I said it, I’m no longer going to be the person who stands in her own way because she’s afraid of the outcome and harbors deep seated feelings that I really can’t do this.

The biggest part of this change is that, well, I’m fucking doing it. “It” means planning, eating, enough, assessing, being coached, physical movement, thought work, feeling emotions, changing my habits, changing my beliefs, and pretty much anything else it takes to “do it.”

The other big stumbling block has been what I believed to be a deep fear of failing and still holding tight to the thought of “what if I really can’t do this? How will I handle that?” I think I’ve found a comfort for a long time in the act of doing without expecting results on the scale. Have I been half assing? No, I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s more about accepting my own roll in how this is going to go. The shift is my thinking is directly related to lifting.

My process to accept myself in lifting has gone a lot faster, but a lot of the thoughts and how I qualify myself are the same. Just a little over a week ago I didn’t feel comfortable calling myself a lifter. It was like I was being grandiose and exaggerating what I was really doing. Oh me? Oh I just dabble. I lift a few pounds here and there.

Let me tell you, that changed forever last night. First off, E took some video and pictures of me working out last night. I look at those and see myself actually being the woman I think I am in my head.

Take a good look at my face and you’ll see that I’m not having an easy time with this. Underhanded rows on the smith machine. I believe my last set was with 60 pounds. The top picture is me doing a series called 21’s. You pull the weight down as a far as you can, then let it go half way up 7 times, then you let it go to the top of the range and pull halfway down 7 times, then you do 7 reps of the full range. Sound easy? No, it doesn’t and this was 30 pounds with my weaker arm.

That first picture also shows the muscled guy who was next to me. It doesn’t capture the other two who were also using the same cable machine. It occurred to me that I was in the mix of them and was having zero self consciousness. I belonged just as much as they did. They were lifting weights as hard as they could. I was doing the same. I realized that is the definition of ownership, that ability to say “I am!”

So back to the weight loss and the sabotage. I want to end that by accepting and claiming ownership of what and who I am. I am someone on a path to change my physical weight and health. I don’t know where it is going to lead any more than I know where my lifting is going. I know that both have incredible possibilities at changing my life and I deserve both. I’m going to have moments with both that I am scared and I’m going to do it any how.

Last night I took this picture after E bumped up the weight I was doing the shrug with. Every time he brings this size out, I have to adjust myself mentally. It’s 45 pounds and one of two that he puts on the bar. Just looking at it, you know it’s heavy. It’s huge, it’s metal, how can it not be a lot to lift. The thoughts race through my head, I can’t, it’s too heavy, I can’t move it, and then I get up, take a deep breath and I try. After I did a couple sets at this weight, he added a little more and happily told me I was going to shrug 120 pounds. Scared. Oh the fear. That’s a lot. Deep breathe. I did it.

Last set, prepare myself, lift and oh god, so hard. So heavy, it’s ok, I’ve given it my all, I can squeak my reps out. I can do hard things. I finish and he smiles broadly and says “that was 130. I added 10 pounds when you were doing arm curls.” I yelled “what!?!?!” very loudly, looked and my reaction was what changed me.

“That is so awesome! Yeah! Oh my god, I did it!”

Lifting or losing the pounds. What’s the difference? I should have faith and celebrate both with exuberance and joy! I should also approach them with equal faith and attitude. If I can’t lift a weight one day, we lower it and make it a goal. Isn’t my weight loss the same? If I don’t hit it today, that’s a goal.

E was right when he said yesterday that there’s a change in me.

I’m here. I’m not running away. I’m facing what is coming. Authentically with no apologies.