What’s it been? A hundred years or so since I’ve written here? Ok, technically a little over 4 months. So what’s been going on?

In September I went to Nashville for NoBS camp and met the Queen. I still cannot look at this first picture without tears flowing. Even though everyone assured me I’d meet Corinne, I didn’t believe it until she said my name and told me to come up to her. She said some wonderful things, just meant for me to hear, and I will treasure that moment forever. It was also when she told me we were going to “talk” later. At the time I didn’t know if that meant it’s the first day, we’ll catch up or if it meant she was going to have a come to Jesus with me.

This second picture is when I asked if we could do a flex pose and she said “let’s give them the gun show!” I thanked her and got up to leave. That’s when she said “sit your ass down!” I knew it was option 2, the come to Jesus talk.

It was the talk I needed, even though in the moment I argued with her. Yes, I argued with the Queen. No worries, I admitted the next day she was right. It meant so much to me in the moment that she cared enough about me to do this one on one. Now, months later, I see where she planted such a huge seed of healing and self-growth.

Now you might not see Jesus in the picture, but rest assured, she brought me there. It was a down and dirty, straight to the fact assessment of where I was at and where I needed to go. I wish I could tell you everything sunk in and my world was so much better after this talk, but it took a while. I had some more hell to go through first.

Camp was amazing and so rewarding. I met so many wonderful women and grew friendships I will cherish for life. I learned a lot about myself, some things were easy to accept and some I had to grow into.

In November I had what I can affectionately call my epic mental breakdown. At the time I all I knew was that it was lowest I’d felt in years, and I didn’t see it getting any better. As much as I would love to go backwards and rewrite the story of what happened to remove the negative fallout, I wouldn’t change it because of how it changed me.

I realized I needed a lot more help and targeted therapy to heal the wounds I have and to move forward with my best life. I sought out a specialist to help with my hormones, stabilizing my moods and increasing my sleep. That was a huge step in calming my brain, but the therapy is where it is really happening.

I decided to spend more time really focusing on what was wrong with me. Hardest part was naming the things and accepting that only I could change them. It’s one thing to jokingly say “I’m fucked up!” but it’s a whole other things to say “I have disordered thinking and need to do the work to fix it.”

There are two things I know I could say for sure in November. I didn’t really love myself yet and I had no sense of self other than what others told me I was. Yes, I knew I was a good person with good traits, but who Karen was at the core wasn’t clear or believable to me. Yet.

I have been doing a lot of inner child work and digging deep to find why my thoughts are as they are. It’s been such a weird balance of relief and stress to find answers. There is a freedom of learning that you think a certain way because that’s what you were taught. That’s your foundation and when it comes down to it, adult you is going to lean to what was instilled from a young age. All the work I’ve done brought up to the surface the root of my behaviors today, which felt liberating. Not my fault! Not to place blame, but to explain. It’s brilliant to have the clarity that the little girl who always was striving for proof she’s loved turned into the woman who needs constant validation she’s good enough, but the fixing it … woof.

So that’s really what I’ve been working on. Fixing my foundation. Learning not just how untrue my teachings were, but reenforcing the truth of now. It’s hard when you feel like the past thoughts always reach out like monster octopus tentacles, dragging you back to the deepness of the wounded thoughts. One moment you feel like you’ve beaten the monster and the next moment it’s rising out of the dark like a horror movie scene.

The last few weeks have started cementing things into place for me and I don’t feel that the monster is going to come back, or if it does, not as strong. Plus, my tools to kill it off are getting better every day. Something has tipped the scale on my core beliefs, and I couldn’t be more content with this! It’s different this time than the other times I’ve thought I’ve got it. This is settled in my bones. It’s just this casual, simple, yet true feeling of “this is me.”

Before when I thought I was finally making the progress and putting the past behind me, I always had this strong thought of “if you don’t like me, fuck it! I don’t care!” I don’t feel exactly like that anymore. I like me. I actually love me. I appreciate others who like or love me too. I understand and accept there are people who don’t like me and that’s completely fine. I don’t need others to fill my pitcher up so I can pour those beliefs into me. Now the positive I am given is more like butter on hot bread. It makes a great thing even better, but it’s not necessary. Did I just compare myself to a nice, hot crusty loaf of fresh bread? Yep. Let’s face it though, who doesn’t have an affection for a good loaf?

What really put the pieces together for me was a little thing that happened Monday. I got up unassisted. I didn’t have to use this bench to lean on to get to my feet. Not a big deal to a lot of people, but to me it was everything. It had been 11 months since I started training with E. 11 months and 2 days actually. He’s been gone from the gym since August, and I’ve been working with Catie and expanding my own knowledge. I’ve gone from needing someone to instruct me what to do and encourage me to push myself to discovering new things I can do and taking immense pride in achieving them. Standing up, on my own, under my own power and control, was my defining moment.

The amount of pride I have in being able to do that is unmeasurable, but the conviction behind that pride is what has made the solid foundation. I chose to attempt this. I did the work. This is a product of my commitment, my consistency, my tenacity, my mental and physical strength. I made this happen. I’m blessed I have had people along the way who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Actually, blessed that they gave me that belief until I learned how to have it in myself.

For a long time it was “I am strong [good, smart, etc.] because you say I am. You see it, I don’t, but I respect you, so it must be true.” I had gotten to “maybe I am really these things!” when the training wheels came off and the people who I’d put so much trust in weren’t holding my hands anymore. I faltered for a while but began to learn that what I thought they gave me was really what I am, they just saw it when I couldn’t.

I don’t just see them now, I know them as fact. I embrace and embody those thoughts. I am strong, smart, funny, a great friend, great person, and a light in this world. I am loved by so many and it’s a joyful honor to be in the minds of others.

As a child I felt invisible and that I could easily be forgotten. One of those people who you never think of, never wonder about, and just don’t care about because they didn’t leave a mark on the world. That’s the harshness of being raised by someone who constantly devalues you. From the start you’re taught you don’t matter. Ironically the person who tried to shape me with that has been the biggest proof I am someone. She wouldn’t be trying to still tarnish my shine if she didn’t remember how bright it is!

One of my hand holders/training wheels shared in my joy of standing. I’d expected at most a thumbs up, but got a lovely message instead. I cried when I got it, but not because I needed the words to complete me. Instead, I saw them as the true words they are. I have indeed turned my life around. I have come so far in such a short time. The words I used to think they were crazy for saying, I now embrace as a fact.

Instead of this being any kind of validation, I see it as a true and factual statement. I have already reached a destiny I didn’t know existed and I’m not done. I have a lot more of my destiny to uncover and I will.