I decided to just lean into my meltdown. I’m not good at that actually. The crying, the pure release? No, I smother emotions. The stronger they are, the harder I smother.

I went and got Duncan. My bestie gave him to me. He’s a warmie, so he can go in the microwave and get a little warmth in his tummy.

Coach Julie has been working with me on giving myself comfort. So I got Duncan warm, got on the coach with a blanket, tucked his head under my chin, and started patting his tush like a baby.

That is what unlocked the water works. I just started saying everything on my mind, while rocking back and forth, trying to calm myself at the same time.

What came out?

I’m scared.

I’m a little lost.

I’m feeling insecure where I’m at right now.

I’m so excited and hopeful about my future that I panicked and sabotaged.

I’m in limbo. I’ve felt out of sorts for over a week now. I knew it had something to do with evolving, but what it was wasn’t coming out.

It’s out. I think.

The person I used to be is gone. Truly, old Karen is dead. Not all parts of her, but the things that needed to go have gone. Not perfect, but a level of growth that I am sometimes taken off guard by.

Unfortunately I don’t feel like I’ve embraced and found comfort in who I’m becoming. Maybe because the unknown is scaring me?

I’ve had more than one person say “just imagine where you’re going to be in …”

3 month

6 months.

At first that excited me.

Suddenly it scared me.

Not because I might let people down.

I might let myself down.

I’m the one person I don’t want to disappoint.

I can’t go back. She’s gone.

Who I’m going to be makes me feel like I need to jump over a crevice. If I make the jump it’s going to be exhilarating!

Right now I’m letting myself be paralyzed.

Courage will come.