To say I’ve neglected writing here is an understatement. I haven’t been writing as much anywhere really. That’s something rather necessary when one of my after retirement goals is to become a more frequent writer, especially in the motivational genre.
Life has taken a lot of twists and turns over the last few months. In November I had what could be called a big ass mental breakdown. I was at a place when I felt like I’d lost more than I could recover from. It was a very dark time. Thankfully what it ended up being was a life changing turn around and healing period for me.
I had a falling out with someone who I realized later I used to completely validate my worth and strength. At the time I felt losing them meant losing everything I was finally seeing in myself. Easy to say now how irrational that was, but at the time it was like having my heart ripped bare. It took a lot of therapy and coaching to move on and learn to find what I needed for myself and from myself. I’m talking intense therapy and thought work, devoting a lot of time and effort into reworking my mind, and being gentle with myself until I was in a place that finally was rooted in self care and self love.
It’s hard validating your worth when you grew up being told and shown you have none. When someone finally tells you that you have amazing qualities, you hang on to that like a treasure. The problem is that until you believe those words, all you are doing in hanging tightly to their belief. Unfortunately, it feels like if they go away, they take those wonderful traits you had with them, leaving you a shell. Thankfully I’ve moved beyond that. The relationship isn’t healed, but we’ve talked and I’m ok with that.
On October 1 I retired after 34 years of service at the university. The library was a place I loved and where I grew, but sadly it became the place that sucked the joy out of me and filled me with sadness. I was proud of what I did and contributed, but being told what you do and in essence your whole contribution to the university is worthless, your spirit deflates. It didn’t change my pride in my career, but it definitely made me question why I was bothering. After some investigating I found I’d bring home the same amount retired as working, the answer was easy and clear. Retire. Leave where I wasn’t appreciated and find my joy.
Beyond the general attitude at work, I’d lost my best work buddy to cancer last Thanksgiving. He was my commiserator and humor with what was going on and not having that was rough. He’s always in my head, but it’s not the same as having him here. Plus, my supervisor’s narrative of him not getting a promotion in our department had morphed into me being on board with him not getting it. That was something that made me furious and nauseous. Thankfully I was able to make sure he never told my friend that. I verified that with his widow. I knew my friend wouldn’t have believed our supervisor, but the thought that it could have been said filled me with rage.
I’m still getting used to retirement. Such a strange thing to know I don’t have to do a damn thing if I don’t want to! I am at least trying to get myself to the gym regularly. On the topic of gyms, I left Planet Fitness and joined Anytime Fitness. After my second trainer, Catie, left, I realized there wasn’t anything keeping me there, so I went in search of my next step. I landed where I needed to be. Amazing staff that is pushing me to the next level. I’m even learning to deadlift.
I am still in NoBS and digging into the mind work it offers. I am forever grateful for finding this community and Corinne Crabtree. I have learned so much and grown so much in the last almost 3 years! I’m excited for what the future brings me with my work there. I’m going to camp next September in Dallas and I cannot wait to see who I am by then!
I have also branched out to find more avenues of support and guidance. I’m currently a member of Built Different and my coach is Laura Micetich. She’s also known as the Iron Giantess. Her story is amazing and she and the other Built coaches have helped me grow mentally and increase my lifting abilities. Currently Laura has me working on understanding how I use milestones as proof I’m getting somewhere and how I think solving things means I’m fixed. At first it really bothered me to say solving isn’t fixing, but after working on it for some time I’m seeing exactly what she wants me to see. It mirrors what Corinne teaches. You don’t conquer something and be done with it. Especially engrained habits. It’s not about finished, it’s about understanding and accepting. Being aware means you can be ready to face it the next time it comes up.
This really applies to me because I have attached so much meaning to getting back into the 280’s. I was there a few days and even celebrated 75 lbs. lost. Haven’t seen it since. Each time the scale crept close, I’d sabotage myself. Last time I got to 290.2 and I blew myself back up. Laura helped me understand that I’m making 280’s mean way more than I should. 280’s was my proof that I’m doing this (losing weight/getting healthy.) I’d set it up in my mind that the day the scale said 289 or less then I knew for sure I was capable. I could even logic out why this was true! Part of that logic was ignoring the 66.8 pounds I’m down and the body changes from lifting that are measurable. To hell with those facts! That means nothing! Only that’s wrong. It means I am doing it, I have been doing it, and as long as I keep doing it, I will get to my goal.
Other things have changed in my life as well. I’ve let go of old friendships that no longer bring out the best of me. No more ignoring red flags or justifying them. If someone invests a lot of time in bringing me down, then I need to distance myself. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect and without flaws, but it’s night and day with caring messages of things you can address and dealing with manufactured defects that exist only in one relationship. The friends I surround myself with now are who I need. Some are still online relationships, but many are face to face friendships. It’s been amazing to have new people come into my life who are very forward about what they want to be in my life and what I am to them. I’m so blessed to have friends who not just remind me of my goals, but they help me frame things in my life that add to my goals. My small goal of wanting to be able to dance again is now an amazingly fun goal of doing a line dance at my friends’ wedding. To have the bride share how she feels this can be a moment to push out old bad memories of my crash (I was line dancing that night) and replace them with new happiness is beautiful! That she wants to be part of that change in my story, as do other friends, shows me I’m in the right place with my friends.
Cultivating the positive relationships is helping me grow as a person. I mentioned going to camp in September 2026. I’m flying there. Me. Flying. Sure, I might need a prescription to ease my nerves, but I also am blessed with very good friends who have my back the whole way. They aren’t just NoBS sisters, they are cheerleaders and supporters. No doubting I’m blessed when I have two amazing, gorgeous inside and out women who are going to hold my hand and be my rocks to do something scary. Plus knowing I am going to once again go on a learning adventure with them is exciting. We bonded at last camp and to have the gang locked in is priceless. Plus we have this crazy Aussie that one found last year and we’ve adopted into the gang of girlfriends. Marco Polo’s keep us connected and provide the chances to be challenged, celebrated and kicked in the ass whenever needed. There is such a safety in knowing you have women who will celebrate your wins, but also reality check you when needed. Plus they welcome it from each of us in return.
I believe that brings me up to the present! I’m going to post more regularly and get back to dumping the contents of my brain out for others to enjoy (or scoff at!) Right now it’s time to get myself to the grocery store and the gym. Then I’m off to make mischief with my in-town friend. She’s become a wonderful partner in crime and friend. In fact, she is one I’ll be dancing with and replacing old memories with new.
Cheers!
Towards the Oak Tree 