One thing I’ve not really talked about much was my boyfriend of almost 20 years, Michael. We met on a blind date and the rest was history. We were together until his untimely passing in 2020. I woke up on a Monday morning to go to work and he was gone, just like that. Way too young at 62 and a complete shock.
He was divorced with 3 adult sons, but I’d been there through most of their lives. They were good kids, but as they aged, they became more money driven and focused, like their mom. They often ridiculed their father for his small house, older truck, simple way of dressing, and things like that. He loved them with all his being. He’d start in the middle of summer looking for Christmas presents for them. If he saw something he thought they’d all like, 3 were bought. If it struck him a particular kid would like something, that was bought. Then came grandchildren and the same.
Most often at Christmas he’d be so excited to see their reactions … and they’d say “thanks Dad” and set the stuff aside. Talk would turn to activities they’d done with their stepfather that their dad would have loved to have done with them and they’d have no consideration how that shattered his heart. Beyond that it just became endless chatter about what they’d bought, what they’d spent, and lamenting about how their 3 car garage still couldn’t hold all their grown-up toys. Most often we’d leave feeling sad and I’d be seething at the children who couldn’t even bother to get their dad something he’d actually like. The generic body washes didn’t bother me but seeing them put no effort towards their father always broke my heart. Especially when they’d tell of the wonderful things they bought for their mom and stepdad or their in-laws.
Initially after his passing the kids were good to me, but that became short lived when they became eager to sell the house and get their money. I got out as soon as I could, leaving all their father’s possessions there and whatever I couldn’t physically move of my own (not much, at least not on purpose!) At the time I was suffering from an undiagnosed iron deficiency and the simple act of walking was an effort.
Their father saved everything. I mean everything. It was a lot, but it was their dad’s so I didn’t touch any of it. One, I couldn’t physically handle it and two, it wasn’t my right to decide what they kept of their dads property.
It took a lot of work to get the house cleaned out and sold, but it happened within a few months of me getting out. I saw all 3 boys at a family wedding (their cousin’s) the following fall, things were ok, but it was so clear how little I had in common with them with the absence of their dad. Honestly, it was harder to pretend to be interested and I think they felt the same. They were all off in different places at the reception when I decided to just quietly slip out. Honestly I was missing my partner so much and it just wasn’t the same without him.
Traditionally his family gathered Christmas Eve. After the wedding, I talked to my therapist about how to decline Christmas with them because I just dreaded it. Turns out it wasn’t a problem! They ghosted me. Seems the oldest decided I was responsible for their dad dying and for all the stuff left in the house. The other two brothers followed his lead and I became a non-person to them.
Michael’s sister was the one to fill me in and I think she was kind of surprised when I told her I wasn’t hurt, but actually felt free. I’m not kidding, I spent the next day purging my house and all my social media of them. Pictures on my wall went in the garbage, phone numbers were deleted, unfriended, you name it. Best Christmas Eve EVER! I’ve had two now without them and each one has been joyful and good for my soul.
The reason I bring all this up now is because Michael’s sister contacted me today about doing something at his grave. It is sweet that she considers my feelings on it, but honestly I don’t go to his grave and it’s not a place of comfort for me. I actually had the plot next to him, but after the falling out with the kids I sold it.
She’ll tell me now and then that middle son asks about me. I never know what to say other than to let anyone who asks know that I am great and I say that with 100% sincerity. I am still in touch with her and her family, so there is a chance I will cross paths with Michael’s boys again. When his sister or brother-in-law pass, I will be at the funeral to pay my respects. Any awkwardness will not be mine, because I do not miss them. Plus I am not the woman who I was when I was with their father anymore!
Since his passing, I’ve done a lot of therapy work on my own ability to love. It’s only been in the last 8 months or so that I have finally started to really love myself, so I’m not sure what it entirely means to love anyone. I’ve been told I love to the best of my abilities, but I think being raised the way I was by my verbally abusive mother, I’ve always been guarded. I spent my entire relationship waiting for Michael to say “hey, I don’t love you anymore, get out” and having one foot out the door made the transition to being single easier than it probably should have been.
Now 3 1/2 years later, I’m ok with how things unfolded. Yes, there are times I miss him a whole lot, but I don’t think I’d have grown into the person I am now if he was still here.
I constantly dream about him and often the boys too. The most reoccurring dream is that Michael isn’t dead and comes back wondering where all his things are, what’s going on with his house, and wanting to continue where we were. Every single time I try to be with him, but the whole time I’m longing for my house and my routine.
His sister still fosters hope that maybe someday things will come around and we’ll be in touch again. I’ve made it abundantly clear that is not going to happen. There is nothing any of them can say that changes the fact that they are not my people. That was a big learning curve I hit after his passing and as I started NoBS. Life is too short to spend it with a tribe that doesn’t match your own soul. Also, I no longer have it in me to pretend to be someone else just to satisfy another person. You don’t have to like me, that’s completely fine! But that also means I don’t have to like you either and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I’d be cold or a jerk to someone, what it really means that being authentically me means I don’t submerse myself or my efforts into worthless causes.
What I haven’t told his sister is that when I purged them out of my life, I blocked their numbers. I don’t need anything from them. No explanation, no accusations, nothing. She’d probably be a little shocked to really know how little thought I put into them. I don’t know how old the grandkids are now. I don’t know their birthdays, their ages, heck, I don’t remember their names without a lot of hard thought.
I don’t even know the point to all this rambling now, just that her texting me about his plot put me into a point of reflection. I’m not sad about it, in fact quite the opposite. I loved my time with Michael and being his partner, but I’m not that woman anymore. Had I made this evolution during our relationship, it probably would not have lasted. Sounds callous to say, but it’s true. Then again, I probably wouldn’t have ever gone searching for who I was meant to be if he was still alive.
That’s all a debate that doesn’t have answers. All I know is that my life is good, despite all I’ve been through and I don’t want to be anyone but me.
Towards the Oak Tree 