Today I had coffee with two of my three brothers. It was so good to spend time with them. Of course talk turned to our mother.

My youngest brother (fyi all 3 are older, but still oldest, middle, and youngest!) saw mom before meeting up with us. He lives 3 1/2 hours away, so we don’t see each other as frequently. He’s on his own weight loss journey and is down 45 pounds.

Mom told him he didn’t look like he’d lost anything and in fact looked bigger than ever.

My heart breaks for him on that because I’ve lived it.

My oldest brother offered up that he really only does what he does out of obligation and love for our Dad.

He said it’s not out of love. He shook his head at that point with a look on his face of revulsion. “Definitely not love.”

Other brother chimed in “god no, not love!”

Both told me how they had heard how I haven’t brought her the cereal she asked for. She told oldest she has nothing to eat. He said “oh they don’t feed you here anymore?” Then he told her that I have a life!

After coffee I went home, got her damn cereal and ran it to her. I waved it at her and said “I heard from both brothers how you’re starving!”

She didn’t reply. I wasn’t surprised.

She then told me how youngest claims he lost 45 pounds, but she thought he looked bigger than ever.

I wanted to unleash on her. There were flames coming off my head. Instead I said that was her opinion and told her I had to go.

As much as I wanted to verbally destroy her, it doesn’t matter. It would roll off her. She’s too much of a narcissist to see the damage she causes.

I went straight to the gym. 50 minutes later I had no anger left. I had such a good workout. I can’t believe how fast the time flies by there. I’m finding it easier to just focus on my body and the motions of lifting. I’m not worried about how much I lift, I just lose myself in the rhythm.

After that I came home, had lunch, and napped. It was glorious!

Having the time with my brothers was priceless. It was also very healing knowing I’m not alone in my thoughts. It’s a lot to deal with the thoughts that come in around non-traditional feelings towards a parent.

I’m also so proud of myself because there was a time where mom’s comments would have been catalyst for me to binge. I’d feel so ashamed of my own feelings that I’d eat to not feel them or my self judgment. Instead I took the path of loving myself.

She raised me (and my brothers) to think very poorly about ourselves.

She failed.

Boy did she fail!