I can’t lie, I’m in one foul ass mood!  I didn’t sleep well, but that’s my own damn fault because who gets multiple piercings on both ears in one week?  This girl!

It was weigh in day and I’m up 2.6 pounds.    Yes, I had overeats of carbs and not enough water this week.  Still, I’m gonna sit in my dirty diaper and whine.

I’m still pissed about everything with mom.  Once again I have moved to a place of judging myself for how I feel about her because isn’t it morally wrong to not love your mother?  What does that say about me?

I even put on Spicy Karen’s lipstick today and I’m just not feeling it, except when I snarl my lips look fierce.

I posted my daily “what’s your why?” and Shady Karen went to town!  Why indeed?!  What exactly IS the point my dear?  All the things you’ve done and this is the number on the scale.  Oh sure, your body is changing, but it’s just rearranging.  You’re weight isn’t getting to a better place.  Let’s just not give a shit today!

I made a bagel with cream cheese on it for breakfast and left a bite behind because I sighed.

I checked my schedule today and I have a one on one session with a personal trainer today and a one on one coaching session with Coach Julie tonight.  Brain said “oh, good, those are both needed.”

Threw a couple healthy things in my lunch bag and headed to work, still in a mood to bite people and be angry.

Decided to listen to Corinne’s coaching from this past Wednesday.  Managed to sit through most of it with a bad attitude until she was answering the question from an anonymous person who’s accountability group members had quit and she was thinking she might as well quit too.

Corinne said the question to ask is “why am I letting someone who is incapable influence me?”

Now I know it was about quitting NoBS, but it hit me a whole different way.

My shitty ass mood is a gift directly from my mother.  It may not be hurt from an insult hurled at me, but it’s obviously a byproduct with my self judgement.  It struck me so hard in that moment.  Why am I letting someone with no human decency influence what I think about my own feelings?  Why the fuck am I handing her the black crayon and giving her permission to color my world?  Not just color, but go outside the lines too!

In my head I keep going back to “society says you should love your mother.”  I’m making it a moral thing, when it doesn’t even get to be that.  I find myself justifying my reasons for not loving her.   Saying it’s ok, look at who you are dealing with!  It keeps circling back to “not loving her makes you a bad person and bad people don’t deserve good things.”

Ooof.

So my basic logic is that since I don’t love a person who has been verbally and physically abusive to me my whole life, I don’t deserve to lose weight and the number on the scale proves this!

Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!  That is exactly my thought.  WTF for real!

Guess we know what thought I’m going to be working on now!  I have therapy next week, but I’m not going to wait for that.  It’s time to start busting that bullshit thinking now!  I keep arguing with myself that I don’t need to justify feeling that way, but maybe I need to look at that differently.  Perhaps it’s not about justifying it as much as it’s showing the evidence to myself that my feelings towards her are deserved?  I just have to think of the things she’s said over my lifetime to have more than enough proof it’s not just a selfish whim to abandon feelings for her.

Maybe all I need to realize is that to love someone, they have to show you how to love.  I can’t mirror back what I’ve not been given.  It really can be that simple I think.