Having a moment

I’m at work, trying to entertain myself with youtube videos as I catalog and up pops Corinne and Jon Acuff. I did a “whaaaaa” for a second then remembered I’d be going through things I’d not finished and it must have gone to things I saved.

Here’s where I get too big for my britches. I forwarded to around 23:59 minutes just to hear one part.

We have a member inside our membership right not that this story just reminds me so much of her. Her name’s Karen …

It was kind of perfect that this popped up today because I needed it. I’m having a moment when I do need to remember who I am and how much I’ve overcome. Plus on a blah day there is nothing better than Corinne singing your praises!

It’s not a horrible day, it’s just coming off a weekend of a LOT of thought work. Thankfully I have my bestie and Coach Julie to help me work through things.

Saturday night I went out with a friend I’ve known since junior high and her daughter. Both have lost a significant amount of weight. Both are over 100 pounds down. I had no idea I could turn into such a green-eyed monster! JEALOUS! Fuck, I’m still jealous even though I know my path is my own.

They both have had weight loss surgery. Zero judgment there. It’s a personal choice and it’s a valid one. Just like it’s a personal choice and a valid one to not have it. Anyone who thinks it’s cheating or the easy way, well, you’re wrong. I’m very thankful though that they are both willing to talk honestly about the struggles and what their diet is like now. Honestly, I realized even more so for myself, I don’t have what it takes to have the surgery and be successful the way I need to be.

Again, personal choices and needs. It’s never a one size fits all choice. Just like weight loss itself, there are so many ways to do it and so many reasons why. It’s so beautiful that all our answers don’t have to match. My why doesn’t have to be anyone elses.

I had a great visit with them, we talked about a lot of things, and had a wonderful time catching up.

I went home, more wrapped up in my jealousy than I was even aware of. At a point I started eating, specifically things that are considered bottom rung choices for how they have to eat. Sleeve of ritz, some other crap, mostly carbs and in quantity. I realize now Shady Karen was comforting me about my much lower amount of weight loss by showing me all the things I can have. I’ve mentioned she can be a bitch, right?

Sunday I chatted with both Julie and BF about how I reacted. Both were awesome and helpful. Why wouldn’t I be jealous? I want a 100 pounds gone too!! I want to blend into a crowd as normal. I want to be there! My friend had her surgery 3 months before I started NoBS. In the same time frame she’s lost all her weight I’ve lost as of right now 32. I don’t feel like what I’ve done is pitiful or lousy, but I can’t help but compare progress.

BF reminded me though if we are comparing progress, where am I? Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m in the throes of the mental work. The exact work I promised myself I would do from the start with weight loss being a byproduct. I can’t weigh the mental part like pounds on a scale, but I’m going to say that I’ve lost a lot of mental weight.

One thing that broke my heart was that neither of them talked kindly about their bodies now. It seemed like they are both proud (rightfully so) but still a disconnect. Again, not judging their choice, but it showed a better light on my own. I don’t know how to say any of the following without making it sounds like I’m implying my way is better. I’m not doing that though; I’m saying why I see it’s better for me.

I love my body now. I love my life now. Through therapy and NoBS I’ve learned to embrace what is going on today and celebrate the fuck out of now. I can look down now and say with 100% conviction that I love my fucked up, but amazing body. Not the love that screams “let’s stay fat!” but the love that says this body of mine is incredible. It’s gone through so much, it’s got so much more to go through, and it’s taking me where I want to go.

I want that mind set for my friends too. Hell, I want it for everyone. I wanted to say more about that Saturday, but there is a fine line between saying “I want this for you” and saying “I don’t think you have this and you need it.” Plus being so immersed in NoBS I didn’t want to come off as saying “well, what you’ve tried isn’t working for you, so come to my side.” Maybe I worry too much about that, but the last thing I want to do is come off like I’m judging their path. I’m not, however I wish them peace with their bodies down the road.

What it came down to was by Sunday I realized that given a choice to wake up the next day a 100 pounds down, but starting from ground zero with my thought work, or stay my course, I’d stay my course. My ass may not be the size I want yet, but man, I’ve put work in on changing my ways of thinkings, working through hard things, and learning how to handle what got me to where I was in life. That’s not saying everyone has to do that. I don’t feel my friends have to do it, I just want them to love their bodies however they get there.

I’m still a little jealous, but I’ve accepted that it’s going to take me the time it takes me. Especially if I want to increase my odds of not regaining. I’ve proven time and time again that I can lose, it’s that keeping it off part that’s been my struggle. For me, that’s where my work is needed.

It is interesting how perspective works though. I look at what my friends have done and say I couldn’t do that. When we left my friend said she wished she could be more like me, doing the work, exercising, and all that. From her perspective, I’m doing what she thinks she can’t.

Someday I’ll be able to say I’ve lost 100 pounds. After a few more days I’ll let go of my jealousy. Right now I’m reminding myself how I am doing scared shitless things, I’m going to continue to do scared shitless things, and I am in the right direction for me.