I had to take the mother to a doctor appointment today. The waiting room was full and it took a full hour before she was called into a room. During this time we talked about different things and I mentioned a discussion I had with my cousin about my retirement.

For the love of god, can someone please explain to me why I open my mouth and even say things to her? I’ve been kicking myself in the ass since then. I need to stop the beat down, but seriously Karen, why??? It’s not that I hope she will say something positive. I’m not looking for her approval by any means. It’s more like I’m playing a game called “what can’t she shit on?” and I’m a perpetual loser!

All I said was after talking to my cousin and taking some numbers (raises) into account, I’ve figured out that I might be able to retire a lot earlier than I thought. Like summer 2025 soon. At most I figured I’d get a subject change, but no, I got a lecture on how I need to tighten my purse strings and be more frugal.

I said no worries, I’d be fine. She started to lecture me on living on a fixed income. I laughed and said I’d be fine as I’d make more retired than working. What I wanted to say was “how in the hell do you think you have any idea in the world what I do with my money? Then after that tell me why you think you have a say in how I spend my money?” Mostly I wanted to say “well, if you die I’ll have even less worries.”

Mostly I’m sitting here thinking “stupid stupid stupid” about myself for even saying anything.

I know I don’t deserve to beat myself down. I know I don’t deserve her responses either. Again, wasn’t expecting a “that’s wonderful, you deserve it!” At best I thought “that’s good” and a subject change.

It also doesn’t help that I couldn’t gracefully get out of the armchair in the room and she pointed it out by calling out loudly “are you stuck?!?” I can’t lie, that was embarrassing, and I felt disappointed in my progress. I didn’t get fast food after dropping her off. I did eat too much peanut butter on my rice cakes, but that’s where the damage to me ends.

Ok, I feel better just writing this all out. I’m done calling myself stupid. What am I supposed to do in her presence? Refrain from all small talk? Oh yeah, I am. Unless I want her judgement.

*sigh*