It was good while it lasted

I managed to go 2 weeks without seeing mom in person. I can’t express how wonderful that was. Today I bit the bullet and visited.

I’ve stopped sharing much with her, but I have family members who report my facebook posts to her. So although I never told her about my sparkle shoe, she knew.

Since she mentioned it, I showed her a picture.

“Those are really something. Too bad the rhinestones won’t last.”

Yep. That was it.

As I was leaving she asked what I learned last week with my “little” group. I said all kinds of things. She asked if having a coach join meant I learned something. I told her I’m always learning and left it at that.

Got home and started fuck it eating, but stopped and asked what I needed. Ended up hugging my elephants (Chester and his buddy Duncan who was sent by my bestie) and let a couple tears flow.

What did I learn last Saturday surrounded by NoBS women?

I learned that I can do amazing things. This is a group I gathered after asking who’d like to meet up. These are women who showed up just because I asked if they wanted to.

I’ve learned that I am worthy of love, respect and kindness. I learned how to accept that to some people I am held in high regards. I learned that it’s ok to be visible, especially when your visibility helps others.

She’d never understand if I told her I finally understand that I have power with my words That I am blessed to help others on this path with me. That others love me like I deserve to be loved. That I am enough and being me, right now, is such an amazing thing to be!

She wouldn’t understand because to her I’m not a success. I’m still fat. I’m still handicapped. I’m still not good enough.

But guess what mom? I don’t need you to understand. I don’t need you to see me for who I am. I don’t need to prove my worth to you.

Your inability to see what a miracle you gave birth to is all your problem.

I wish I was more bullet proof so I didn’t feel so sad when she tries so hard to hurt me.

I will let go of the sadness though. In fact I’m going out soon to celebrate my brother and sister-in-law’s 50th anniversary. I will wear my sparkly shoes. I will share in the love and celebration. I will feel loved because I am invited. That’s right, I am invited, but guess who isn’t?

I am sunshine.

You are darkness.

Sunshine wins!