I can only speak for myself, but I am completely uneducated on how to experience emotions, especially negative ones, in a “normal” manner.

Growing up, emotions were not discussed nor encouraged. Positive ones were mashed down because I was too vocal, too happy, or even odd to be boisterous. Negative emotions were just invalidated and ignored. Mad? What right do you have to be mad? Sad? You think you have it bad? I think basically having to deal with emotions was a bother and children don’t have a voice. Bullied was questioned with what I did to deserve it. Proudness was shamed as being egotistical. There was no discussion, “because I said so!” was law.

It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve become more aware of emotions, but I have a long way to go (I think!) Right now I’m at “I am having some bad feeling deep inside and I must do what it takes to keep it there!” This often goes hand in hand with eating because it gives me something else to focus on (familiar pattern of overeating and shaming myself ) and I can look back fondly on the days when food was a pure comfort. I didn’t know back then that those crunchy, salty chips were causing the weight to come on. I knew that the velvety texture of cake and the sweetness of frosting could heal a lot of wounds. Almost like a balm on a cut.

In Corinne terms, I have caveman brain when it comes to negative emotions. Feelings bad. Kill them! It is my habit and it is my reflex. It’s like seeing a flame pop up in forest, stomp on it before it turns into a wild fire. I’ve had so much coaching on this too. What do I think is going to happen if I feel the emotions? Am I aware they aren’t going to last forever? All those things, yet negative feelings are my monster under the bed.

I have been very fortunate to have advice from Coach Julie on how to start dealing with this more. At first she suggested giving myself what you’d give a child who’s scared. The hugs, the comfort, maybe rocking them. As I read that I though, gee, I have no clue what any of that’s like. That just didn’t happen in my house. Even as a small child I can remember having the most terrifying nightmares and I would go into my parents room wanting to feel safe. Yet I would stand there, looking at them sleeping and think whether it was worth it to wake them up. On the occasions where they would wake up, Dad would be the one to walk me back to bed and tell me it was just a dream. I have no recollection of anything past walking me back and me getting back into bed. Did he sit with me? Did he talk to me? Honestly, I don’t have a clue.

The next day mom would tell me how horrible I was for waking her and dad up. I’d get lectured on how Dad needed to sleep because he had to work. All I knew was work was important and I was making it harder for my Daddy to do.

I confessed to Julie that I had no idea how to formulate that in my head or how to even draw comfort from it. I’m sure it’s a wonderful feeling when it happens naturally, but as an adult it feels claustrophobic and fake. She suggested I think of loving people in my life and how that makes me feel. Other mothers, teachers, etc. Again, I don’t really have things from childhood to use as a surrogate. Yes, I had kind, wonderful teachers and I saw how other mothers were, but mom was always there to provide (her) evidence on how I didn’t deserve the kindness or shouldn’t accept it as pure (always a motive!) and when I think of other mothers, my default is that they had the right kind of daughter to be that kind of mom.

Instead, she helped me focus on the feeling of a really good hug from someone you love and trust. I immediately thought of my bestie, Jen. She is the person that heals my soul. A hug from her makes me feel safe and capable. I also thought of the Beloit Blondies group, who gathered just a few weekends ago. There was safety in that room. The knowledge that you could bare your soul and someone would be there to say it’s ok and hug you tight. That is going to become the feeling I want to have when the negatives come.

I am also going to use a question she gave me. I’d been asking myself “what do you need?” but she helped me find something more direct and focused, yet gentle. “What am I needing to feel better from?” There is a hope that this will help me identify that it’s the emotions, name the emotion, then work through it without shoving food in my mouth to get the monster under the bed to shut up!

This, combined with my win with Coach Kathy yesterday, has me set up to care for myself more. For those who didn’t see it, my work had a bomb threat and active shooter threat yesterday. My university had a shooting 16 years ago and 5 students lost their lives. It was in the building across from mine and we were evacuated by officers in swat gear. The threat, even though it was not verified, was enough for the repressed trauma to come up in me. Most of it stems from leaving the building and trying to get to my car. I am not able to run, yet I wanted to so badly. It was a singular focus to get to my car and get off campus.

When this all bubbled up yesterday, I reached out on FB for sisters to distract me. Just something to stop the loop in my head. I knew where I was going. Scared, anger, eat. I knew I didn’t want to get to the eat part. Coach Kathy happened to see my post and pretty much talked me through the whole emotional process. Anger and eat became annoyed and ok. It wasn’t until she pointed out what a win this was that I recognized it as such. Normally I would hide the emotions, then follow my process, then afterwords “confess” to my actions and think out how next time could be different. This was the next time, and it was different.

I am so blessed to have these people in my life. I cannot fathom the progress I have made happening if not for the strong women of NoBS. They care about us. They really do. Reach out to them, use ask coaches, tag them. They are here for all of us.