Quite a bit has been going through my brain lately. I just texted Bestie “Do you ever feel like you’re on the edge of a break through but don’t know if you can completely grasp it?”

I’m awaiting her reply.

It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, but I’ll try. I am finding my attitude and resolve with mom changing. Best way to explain it is to say like I’m growing roots, tethering me in position to withstand the winds.

I have this whirlwind of thoughts about my whole relationship and my involvement with mom. The primary thought is “it’s my time now!” 55 years is enough to give her. I’m done being “Barb’s daughter.”

That doesn’t mean I’m disowning her, but in the list of things I am, daughter goes lower in the list of identifiers.

I am seeing her manipulation and self centeredness as both cruel and a mental problem. It’s interesting that she felt justified in expecting me to risk my life to serve her needs, but expresses concern when I’m taking care of myself today. Half a foot of snow and -35 winds to do her bidding is right, but me going to an out of town doctor appointment when the weather is turning bad later tonight is risky and wrong.

Remove my safety from the issue, because it’s not the concern. It’s “who will take care of me?” Three other kids my dear, that’s who!

Yesterday she called during MJ’s coaching and I ignored the call. I had anxiety about her reaction. Oddly when I did call her, she didn’t even ask why I hadn’t answered. Still that trauma of being in trouble still lingers.

Frankly, I’m going to have to lean into the feeling of being in trouble until I wear it out. That edge I’m on, it’s the want to say “fuck it, if I’m going to be condemned no matter what, why invest?” A very justified response too.

Thing is, it’s not coming from the exact same place as my messy room rebellion of childhood. Back then I gave up reaching for perfection because the amount of effort didn’t change the outcome. 3 hours of intense cleaning carried the same berating as a sloppy 20 minutes.

Today’s thought is more about how the devotion of time and energy needs to be spent where it’s paid off.

That? That’s all well spent on me!