A victory of sorts

Karen

Mom …

I don’t know what’s left to say. I had therapy today and we talked about everything that happened in the last few weeks.

We discussed how not only is it fine to have all the emotions I have, but they really are justified.

I spent a lot of today crying. Just overwhelmed with taking care of mom and feeling like a pull toy being dragged around.

Yesterday was 3 calls. Bitching about getting home, then a call her wedding ring was missing, then her hearing aid charger didn’t get packed. 8:45 at night and I’m supposed to fix it all?

7:30 this morning, call the rings were put in a drawer by a worker so they’d be safe. Not stolen like she insisted last night. Also told I had to make her an appointment with her cardiologist.

Talked to brother 3 after this and he told me how she complained to him last night about how horrible I was with taking care of her during her hospital and rehab stay. It was all the I did wrong. He asked her if I was supposed to go out in a blizzard and -35 temperatures, risking my life, for her? “Well… no.”

Second call was about getting her charger. I had to get the wheelchair they transported her in back to the nursing home in exchange for her charger. Talked to those involved and it needed to be done by 3. Fine, done.

Told her she has a cardio appointment tomorrow. Bitches she can’t do that tomorrow! Cancel it! Say ok, then listen to her complain about how her heart is racing and acting funny. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Got off the phone and thought “I need comfort.” Ice cream? No. Fast food? Don’t care for that. Special dinner? Nah, I want my leftover taco salad.

Came home, got into pajamas and had sugar free hot chocolate with a little bit of rumchatta in it. Relaxing, yet not destructive. After sitting in peace a while, I thought of the comfort I took in my stuffies when I was little.

I even remembered the ones that she threw away because she decided they were “too worn.” They weren’t destroyed, merely very much overly loved. I don’t know if they were tossed for their appearance or for my love of them. Maybe a little of both?

At any rate, I remembered the comfort I used to get in hugging my stuffed friends. I went on Amazon and found Chester.

He’s coming home Saturday. He’s 2 feet tall. He is going to help me with the hugs to soothe my soul.

Small steps. I did eat some ice cream cookies, but to enough and I pitched the last few. Not worth it. I’ve journaled and I will work on more thought work through the weekend.

I’m trying to hit the brakes on doing for her and putting myself first. When I got the call I could pick up her clothes from the rehab I said I could tomorrow. I was told if I didn’t come tonight, the next time was Monday.

Without hesitation I said Monday will be fine.

Me first.

It’s my time.

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Published by Karen

13 thoughts on “A victory of sorts”

  1. Firstly I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are having to deal with all of this. It is horrible to be in a position where no matter what you do you are wrong. Yet you are doing a fantastic job! She may never see it, but that is simply because she does not want to.

    Secondly, congratulations on Chester! I hope he is a comfort to you. He is adorable!

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  2. When I read that Chester was coming home to you, my heart lept for joy! (I had already decided that if you didn’t get him I was going to figure out a way to get him to you!!) Keep moving forward, my brave friend. One step at a time ❤️❤️❤️

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  3. I cannot wait to meet you in September at camp. I have been told my hugs are the very best. I will be giving you the biggest warmest hug ever. I cannot take away all of the pain you have but I can make a little dent. You are loved by so many. Glad you are getting trauma therapy.
    Michelle Lee

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  5. Love Chester. Are you familiar with the behavior of female elephants? When one is struggling the others circle up around her. They turn their faces to the outside daring anything to try to hurt her, protecting her when she is vulnerable. (E.G. when birthing new life.) When you snuggle with Chester, remember your No BS tribe who encircle you.

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    1. That is beautiful! I had read that elephants are the most maternal creatures, far better than humans, so that was my thought with an elephant. However as I browsed amazon, upon finding this one he said his name was Chester (I swear, stuffies tell me their names!) So he’ll be a very maternal guy!

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